So I'm a cord cutter. Been one for years. Why? Because I refuse to subsidize (aka pay for) TV channels (and shows) I don't watch and have zero interest in. To me, it's just not worth it. Until cable offers a la carte programming, I refuse to pay for their services. I doubt it will happen anytime soon, and I could care less. The #1 issue in cutting the cord, the most important thing, IS TO REALIZE TV IS STUPID AND TRIVIAL AND IF YOU DON'T GET TO WATCH EVERY SHOW YOU WANT TO YOUR LIFE WILL GO ON AND YOU WILL BE OKAY. So here's how I did it:

HDTV: Obviously. You'll need it so you can get Over The Air (OTA) TV signals. I have the Samsung PN51D430 which is pretty much bottom of the barrel, no bells and whistles HDTV. But it looks great. It's 720p, but I can't tell the diff b/w 1080 and 720 anyway (and if you claim you can, you're lying). And it's a plasma because PLASMA HAS THE BEST PICTURE AND A REAL MAN BUYS PLASMA.

Mohu Leaf Antenna: It's around $35. I bought it after looking on Amazon for a TV antenna. When you get HDTV OTA, it's better quality than cable because it's an uncompressed signal (Michaelangelo told me that). With the Mohu, you get the Big 4 networks meaning the Super Bowl, local and network TV news, the Oscars, and watered down TV shows meant to appeal to the mouth breathers. Go to antennaweb.org and tvfool.com to check which TV signals you will get with an antenna. I live about 17 miles from most of the local TV station transmitters, so I get Fox, ABC, NBC, and CBS easy peezy. Go to gomohu.com for more info on their antennas and some helpful videos on getting HDTV OTA.

WDTV Live: You'll probably want a streaming device for your TV. I got the WDTV Live because it's best at local file streaming. If you don't care about that (or don't know how to do it) and just want to stream a ton of crap from the internet, get a Roku. If you're in the iTunes ecosystem and are happy with it, get an Apple TV.

XBOX 360: While XBOX Live is around $3-5 a month, there are a bunch of content options. You can also use it as a Windows Media Center device, to stream stuff from your computer.

Netflix: Netflix will be the first to admit their online streaming selection is LACKING. It's best for movies and old seasons of TV shows. It's $8 a month and you can always find something to watch. I canceled it, however, due to (like I said) lack of stuff that appealed to me. A great feature of Netflix is waching stuff buffet style, meaning you can watch episode after episode (commercial free) of a TV show season. Because of my crazy schedule, I pretty much only watch TV and movies on the weekends. So if I can watch 4 episodes of New Girl in a row, that's how I dooz it. I watched all 6 episodes of The Walking Dead in a row on Netflix, and it was awesome. I hate waiting week to week for new episodes anyway.

Hulu Plus: This was kind of a disappointment, because I got it to watch stuff on my TV via my WDTV Live. Only problem is, some of the crap they have rights to stream to a PC they do NOT have rights to send it to your TV. So I can watch House Hunters (yes I'm a real man) on my laptop at Hulu.com, but CANNOT watch it on my TV 3 feet away via my WDTV Live AND paying for Hulu Plus. It's utterly ridiculous. Also, CBS chooses not to license its stuff to Hulu, so there's that. NBC, ABC, and Fox all have stuff on Hulu. But Hulu is great for current TV shows.

Amazon On Demand: This has 2 different things going on. For one, you can buy/ rent TV shows and movies a la iTunes. And then there's Amazon Prime, where for $80 a year you get access to a buttload of content (and free 2 day shipping when you buy crap from Amazon). But, the selection on Amazon Prime, much like Netflix, is severely lacking.

iTunes: I don't mess with iTunes, because it's a resource hog, the DRM is crazy, and Apple is for noobz and chicks. But if you're down with iTunes, that's fine. Plus you can use Airplay with an iPad.

High speed internet: A necessity. And yes I see the irony in paying Kabletown $63 (God damn) dollars a month for broadband internet, but I justify paying for it because I'm basically online all the time at home and it provides internet access to my WDTV Live, XBOX 360, smart phone, laptop, and probably my neighbor looking at kiddie porn.

DVR: I don't have one anymore. Certainly you can get a TIVO but again, that's another monthly subscription. And last I checked, TIVO charges like $20 a month, which is insane for basically TV schedule info that you can get on the internet for free and in like 5 seconds. But, you know, with streaming, you can pause/ rewind/ fast forward/ etc so storing a bunch of TV shows on a hard drive seems pointless to me.

So even after all this, there will still be TV shows you will not get to watch (legally). So we go back to the most important point of being a cord cutter: TV IS DUMB AND DOESN'T MATTER. Your life will go on and you'll be okay if you have to stop watching a show. Entertainment is superfluous.

I'm a big boy. I been doin my taxes on my own for like a decade. My mom basically was like "Go on turbotax.com and do you own taxes, boy!"

And I've been e-filing for at least half that time with my refund coming via direct deposit- and it's always been awesome. My money shows up in a little over a week. It's super speedy.

BUT THIS YEAR IT'S TAKING LIKE 3 WEEKS TO GET MY DAMN REFUND! DAMN YOU SLOW MORASS AKA THE GOVERNMENT! I WANT MY OBAMA MONEY! THE ONE THING YOU DID WITH APLOMB YOU ARE NOW SUCKING AT!

These are the questions I get aksed (no that isn't a typo- it's my urban dialect, yo) all the time from callers, Facebookers, Tweeters, and just fans of the show in general. Yes I made a few up. No I have no ethics. Here we go.

Q: What time do you wake up?
A: Mon-Thu at 1 AM, getting to the station around 2 AM. Fri at Midnight, getting to the station at 1 AM to do COW. If there's a big event such as a debate or the Niners in the NFC championship game or the Low Voiced Bum was on Dr Phil, I'll come in a half hour or so earlier. Yes it sucks. I feel like I have narcolepsy sometimes.

Q: Why do you go to work so early?
A: Cuz I gots shit to do! It's funny cuz when I first started with A&G I would come in at 5 AM and just toss off until 6 AM. I'd find a sound clip for the show here and there, but I mainly screened the show.

But the more and more I started pulling audio, the more and more I got involved. It wasn't intentional by any means. It was never even stated out loud. I was never told to do anything. I just kinda did it.

The more and more clips I grabbed a day, the earlier and earlier I began coming in. The internets is big, yo! And I think, just thinking out loud here, the more stuff I grabbed, the higher Jack and Joe's expectations became. And rightly so. I MAKE THE SHOW BETTER IS WHAT I'M SAYING. Damn skippy.

Marshall Phillips used to be the earliest to come in. He gets in around 2:10 AM. As he saw me come in earlier and earlier he was like "Dude why you coming in so early?" and I was like "Cuz I gots shit to do!!"  and Marshy responded with "I hear ya."

Marshall Phillips is a madman with preparation. Dude regularly has like 10 stories ready to go for his 3 minute (although it obviously takes up a whole segment) newscast. He may only do like 3 stories, but he seriously has stories comin out his wazoo. And he prints them all out and arranges them in some labyrinthine way that makes sense to only him. He takes up like 2 tables doing this. It really is a sight to behold.

Now I come in even earlier than Marshy. Earlier than anyone, really. It's basically me and the overnight dude. And our Caligula-like sex crazed romps in the newsroom OH WAIT NEVER MIND.

But getting all that wacky sound takes time. Sometimes I have to sit through like a boring 11 minute interview just to get 1 sound byte. Sometimes there isn't even a good sound byte in that 11 minute interview! That's when I'm like "Thanks for takin my money and wastin my time, ASSHOLE!"

So now everyday when Jack and Joe come in I have a "cut sheet" prepared for them. It has about 25 clips they can pick and choose from. Some hard news, some wacky stuff. Lotsa variety.

So why do I come in 4 hours early? Because that's how much time I need to go through all of my daily sources for audio goodness. Yes it's a pain in the ass. But THAT'S HOW WE DO.

Q: What are Jack and Joe like off the air?
A: Kinda the same but more adult oriented, like the Unrated version of a movie.

Q: Why do you guys complain about your computers so much?
A: Because they suck so much. I myself am on a Pentium 4 from 2002 with 1.49 GB of memory. It's awesome! It basically slows to a crawl every 3 or 4 hours. Opening a new tab in IE can take 15-20 seconds (I've timed it). Our IT people "looked" at it, but I think I got the placebo tech support, as in when they say "Of course I looked at it and worked on it and did stuff!" when in actuality nothing was done.

Q: Are you there everyday? It seems like you never take a day off.
A: If either of my hosts are here, I'm here. It was sort of unsaid but I learned at KFI that if your host(s) shows up, you best show up too. And my vacay is when they take their vacay. Plus I've never called in sick in the almost 7 years I've worked for A&G. I went home early feeling like crap ONCE, but I still came in early to prep the show. I'm a rock!

Q: How did you come to work for A&G?
A: I initially worked in promotions at KFI in Los Angeles. I loved it. KFI is a great station with great people. I asked the Assistant Program Manager there (a cool old skool radio dude named Bill Lally) if I could screen one of the shows. The Jesus Christ Show was looking for a screener, so I showed up. 

From there I started helping out on John and Ken and on Bill Handel's show. Not really call screening per se because Handel doesn't take calls and John and Ken may take one an hour, but just doing anything I could (coffee, newspapers, smiling, telling cheesy jokes, and just generally being another person around who could help out). I'm sure none of them remember me, but I loved every second, especially Handel. The dude is hilarious and was always nice to me.

Growing up in San Diego, I listened to KFI all the time. (Yes I was a teenager listening to talk radio. I'm a goober, okay. Leave me alone.) So working with the hosts I was a huge fan of was just majorly awesome. 

Then KFI got a dude named John Ziegler to do the 10 PM - 1 AM shift and he needed a producer. They were looking for someone with more experience than me, but until then I helped out where I could and screened his show. John put me on the air and let me call him on his bullshit. It was cool.

The Jesus Christ Show thing didn't work out (it's an extremely hard show to call screen for as you can imagine) and I completely understood not being asked to continue doing it. But I stuck on with John Ziegler (I think he thought I was funny) and did that for a while. But it was part-time, and I needed that full-time chedda ya heard. So I saw the opening for A&G, applied, and here I am 6+ years later. I truly appreciate Jack and Joe giving me a job and letting me be weird on their air every morning.

Q: Why do you always sound stoned?
A: Because I am, bro! Wake n bake at 1 AM is righteous! Nah, it's just cuz I want to get the best callers on the air as quick as possible, yet too often people think of me as some sounding board for their wack ass jokes or they're calling for the station address or they want to give a birthday shot out. THIS AIN'T THE HIP-HOP STATION, PLAYA! So immediately when I pick up on a call, I'm skeptical, hesistant, and cynical. But I warm up quickly if you got the goods.

Q: Do you know how awesome you are?
A: Yes. Yes I do.

Q: Why are you always so hard on Marshall Phillips?
A: I love Marshy I really do. But I have high standards for news and what constitutes news, and misleading headlines or just the crappy state "journalism" is in these days leads to a lot of dumb news or just plain wrong news.

I realize Marshall's role is to be "Lamestream media" fodder for my hosts, but sometimes I just have to give him the business and question his news judgement. But it's always for the betterment of the show and aside from filling up my Al Qaeda Screener Booth 10-15 times a day with plumes of cigarette smoke, Marsh is a good dude. Oh and he bugs the shit out of me for clips for his newscasts.

Q: When I call in, you asked me what Jack and Joe said, what's up with that? Ain't you listening to da show?
A: Well, sometimes. But you have to realize I'm editing stuff for Jack, Joe, Marsh, Scott, and random suggestions from callers, I'm recording the show for Best Of, I'm podcasting the show, I'm throwing up links on Armstrongandgettyradio.com, I'm talking to callers, I'm calling/ booking guests, I'm doing our show summary, I'm searching for other clips, and I'm doing all of this all at once, so I can't follow every single word they say. Very often in the 6 AM hour I turn the show completely off just to go thru clips. So in this case I'll IM Scott and be like "Did they say this?" or "Did they just throw out the number for that?" or I'll ask a caller what Jack and Joe said specifically. Please don't lie. Joe will yell at me.

Q: What happened to Petry from Vallejo?
A: Dude got a job! Finally! He was unemployed for I believe like a year or so and had nothing to do BUT TO CALL ME 20 TIMES A DAY EVERY FREAKING DAY AND WHINE ABOUT HOW I WOULDN'T PUT HIM ON THE AIR. So good on him.

Q: Why didn't you put me on the air?
A: There's a million different reasons why I didn't put you up. Maybe you called in 2 hours after we were discussing the topic you called in about, maybe we have an scheduled interview coming up next, maybe your byzantine comment is not easily digestable within 15-20 seconds as it needs to be on talk radio. Remember, I'm not the only gatekeeper. You can send an email which Joe checks and/ or send a text which Jack monitors. And then when neither of them reads your sucky comment on the air, realize I was correct in not putting you up because your comment was probably stupid.

Q: Who are you to say if my comment is good or not?
A: I'm me. And I'm hired to filter out the tripe. My job is to keep the show from turning into the comments section of a news story on the internet. Sometimes I can explain why I'm hanging up on you and sometimes I can't. It's an internal thing, a gut feeling. I'm like the Talk Radio Call Whisperer. I used to listen to a whole buttload of talk radio (now most of it drives me up the wall) and I've been doing this for years, so I generally know what works on the air and what doesn't.

Q: Aren't you infringing on my right to free speech?
A: Yes. Yes I am. Every time I see a paper shredder, I put that Constitution right thru dat shit.

Q: How do crappy callers get thru?
A: Usually on purpose for Joe and Jack to make fun of. Like when the Friday before the Niners lost in the NFC championship game, Jack and Joe were talking Niners stuff. Then some dude called in saying how the "NY Giants were gonna beat the Niners." Now, I hate sports talk radio callers. I know Jack and Joe hate sports talk radio callers. But I thought it'd be funny if they got annoyed and got pissed on the air. Well, that's exactly what happened. I put him up. He talked mad shit about the Niners. Joe Getty yelled at him. And all was right in A&G Land.

Q: What's it like making coffee for Jack and Joe every morning.
A: Utterly fascinating. If you care, I make it when I first come in. Just to get it out of the way early so I can then proceed to troll the internets for clips without interruption.

Q: Some of your jokes and references are really obscure.
A: I'm playing to the smart people in the audience. I don't go for that lowest common denominator BS. I recently read an interview with a sitcom writer/ producer saying he has no problem dropping 20% jokes into his script. Meaning only about 20% of people will get the joke. I'll double down and say I've done 10% jokes. We are the 10%!

Q: Why do you do so many song parodies for your intro?.
A: Because it's easy comedy. If you ever see a comedian with a guitar, they're probably not funny. Of course, song parodies do work as comedy. They're funny, there's no denying that. But it doesn't take a rocket scientist to change out a few words of a song and then sing the melody with those new wacky words. Basically, if you hear me do a song parody for my morning intro, it means my Comedy Gas Tank is running on empty.

Q: Why do so many of the late night jokes you guys play suck?
A: Well the obvious answer is that the late night shows suck themselves, first and foremost. I defy anyone to watch a full hour of any late night talk show in real time- it's a sea of mediocrity. They spin their wheels solely to kill time b/w commercials. But honestly, I don't think most of their jokes are funny. We get about 12 late night jokes per day, and I may think 1 or 2 are funny. Very often I think none of them are funny.

But there's 2 things going on here: 1. Sense of humor is subjective. Very often, Jack and Joe will laugh at a joke that I don't think is funny. I'm up in hurr at 2 AM. It's hard to make me laugh and 2. I put in all of the jokes we get everyday because it looks like I'm doing more work than I really am because in actuality it takes like 5 seconds to put a joke into our system. So when I present to my hosts a cut sheet full of clips, half of which are late night jokes, hopefully Jack and Joe think "Wow that Vince was one busy beaver this morning!" Shh don't tell them this, kk?

Q: Why are you so angry and rant so much?
A: I dunno. I'm usually a pretty mellow, chilled out kinda dude (God I sound like a douchebag). But everyone has stuff that pisses them off. And I mean the little things. Just think about you going about your day and thinking "Why is this this way?" or "What's up with that?" or "That sucks." I'm just like that too, but I make a mental note of it, ponder it, try to deconstruct it (as Louis CK says when he describes his comedy), then try to turn it into 45 seconds of comedy every morning at 6:05 AM.
Getting locked out of a website cuz you forgot your password, the sandwich maker guy putting too much mustard on your sandwich, or perhaps THE CHECKOUT GUY AT THE GROCERY STORE WANTING TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND WHEN ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS BUY SOME EGGS N BREAD AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. We've all been there. Serenity now.

So every weekend A&G have a "Best Of." On KKSF, it's on at various times (check here for times), and on KSTE it's on Saturdays at 6-9am. KFIV has no Best Of- I have no idea why.

During the week one of the things I do is keep track of which segments I think qualify for Best Of. By Thursday, when I put Best Of together because if I had to do it after Friday's show (for which I come in at 1 AM to do COW) I would die, I have about 120-130 minutes of A&G hawtness.

I tend to lean to lifestyle, wacky, comedy-based segments for Best Of. I figure on a Saturday you're cooking bacon and eggs or on your way to your kid's soccer game and you probably don't want to hear about car bombs in Iraq or stories about pedophialia. So generally speaking, I stay away from hard news for Best Of.

Of course there are always exceptions. If something is huge, then it's huge. And so it becomes part of Best Of.

So I tend toward the lighter stuff for Best Of like Jack assaulting people with his guitar case or Joe talking about lesbians who want to buy his shirt.

Another thing to consider is something that may be hot on Monday you won't give a flying rat's ass about by the weekend. Like you'll hear about it so much that you'll be sick of hearing about it by Wednesday, or like if the Republicans have a debate over the weekend or early in the week and by Friday it's just played out.

I also tend to shy away from segments with reporters for Best Of. For one, they're usually reporting on things that are happening NOW RIGHT NOW and they're just no longer timely, topical, or relevant by the weekend. Second reason is that, with a third voice, there's just less A&G in the segment. And I want as much A&G per capita as possible.

But I love putting great guests into Best Of. I especially like it even more when we had the guest on for 2 segments. Like the Washington Post Fact Checker guy we had on a few weeks ago. His interview was interesting for the full 2 segments, and from my perspective, I got half of one hour of Best Of ready to roll easy peezy.

If you listen to Best Of regularly, you'll notice no topic goes on for more than 2 segments long. I figure that's enough to stay on a topic, and I want Best Of to be diverse to showcase as much A&G goofiness as possible. And just like the real broadcast, we're almost always moving on, so I want Best Of to represent a microcasm of the actual show.

Of course, there are exceptions. Like I said before, if something is huge, it's huge. And I'll put together an hour around it. Usually it has to be a big event, like Osama being killed, or it's just too good to cut off, like when we had those 2 ladies arguing about an alleged sex offender camping out in one of their driveways.

There's no real logic to how the segments get placed where. It's mostly about time. I have a specific amount of time I need to adhere to, and so putting together Best Of is kind of like a jigaaw puzzle.

Usuallyan hour of Best Of consists of 4 segments. But it's not always like this. I've done an hour of Best Of with like 6, 7, even 8 short segments. I get these short segments from when say Jack talks about Sam, and then they talk about Al Qaeda. I'll cut out the Al Qaeda part and then I gots me a short segment.

They come in handy. Like I said, putting together Best Of is like a jigsaw puzzle. Sometimes I'll need a 3 minute segment here or a 6 minute segment there. And (also) like I said, the more diverse the content the more enjoyable I think it is. Even if it's a 2 minute segment where Jack and Joe go off on Marshall's "kicker" story it's still funny, so into Best Of it goes!  

Another way a segment makes it into Best Of is if a listener calls in and asks. Like if Jack and Joe do a particularly funny segment, people will call in and be like "That has to be in Best Of!" and I happily oblige this request.

And since I decide what goes where and when, I've even asked listeners what time they want to hear the segment like "What time will you be listening? What time do you want to hear it? Tell me when you want it aired." See how awesome I am? Das right. I take requests!

So Best Of is me basically trying to be as entertaining as possible for as long as possible to you guys- just like the regular show. It's how I pick callers, how I decide which clips to pull, how I do my opening 45 seconds at the top of the show.

Hopefully you enjoy it! I'll do another Op-Ed someday describing how I do the always controversial Vacation Best Of.

I don't know why I'm so fascinated with Mitt Romney. I'm fascinated with Sarah Palin too, but I think that's more of a "How the hell did Mccain arrive to plucking this chick from (literally) outta nowhere?" kinda fascination.

At her core, I believe Palin is a fairly normal human being and she undoubtedly comes off that way. But Mitt? Oh hellz no.

Maybe because he comes off as so phony. Holden Caufield woulda thought this dude was the height of fakeness.

It's bad enough our politicians have to kiss our asses and cater to us when there are cameras around, but he does it in such a inorganic, robotic way.

I remember when I first heard Mitt say "We the people on this farm" I was like OMG JACKPOT. I was so excited I messaged the entire A&G staff. I knew I'd found GOLD, JERRY, GOLD!

Sure, he was actually on a farm in NH. But just the fact that he was on a farm to announce his candidacy came off as so transparently fake to me. And then to mix in the "We the people!" thing was just so jivey.

When did stagecraft become such a big deal? And as Jack Armstrong likes to aks, "Who is this for?" I guess it's all about TV and the mighty picture.

If TV has video of something, oh boy is it a big story. They can loop it over and over and over and drone on and on about it.

There are probably thousands of kids who will get into a fistfight today, but if a local TV station gets hold of the video of of one from YouTube or wherever, it becomes a TOP STORY. Oh, let's overreact to kids punching each other! Let's pretend to care because we have VIDEO OF IT. We're so shocked! We're outraged!

How could kids do this to each other, especially when you consider humans have been pounding each others' faces in for numerous millenia! Let's get reaction from the parents, and the principal, and the cops, fellow students, and concerned citizens coming out of the grocery store.

Nevermind that kids get into fights all the time, we have actual video of this one, so let's pretend like it's actual NEWS. Mitt coulda been a news anchor in another life.

I remember all the candidates going to the Iowa State Fair and standing behind bales of hay to do the stump speech thing. Like wow you people are just so down home.

I'm sure after their speeches they put those hook things on their hands and start carrying that hay to the flatbed of an old Dodge pickup truck. Oh and don't forget to get photographed doing all of this while chewing on a piece of hay.

And can you also take off that hat, stretch your back, let out an aching groan, and wipe the sweat off your brow? We'll have the sun going down behind you (I believe they call it dusk) so it'll almost be a silhouette. When did running for prez turn into Americana kitsch? SOMEBODY GAG ME!

But when Mitt was doing his thing behind the hay, at one point, he raised his leg and put one of his feet up on the hay (see it here http://youtu.be/RrWWSkKaZ8U?t=34s). And I have no idea why, but I threw up a little in my mouf.

It just came off as so cheesy while also being so calculated. "Let me just rest my foot up on this bale of hay. And I'm relaxed. I'm just a normal guy. And I'm relaxing, relaxing, relaxing. I'll also put my forearm on my knee of the leg that is resting on this bale of hay. I am so down with the little people."


N E WAYZ, here are Mitt's greatest hits and where they came from:

"My goodness! This is terrific!" - Mitt was running for Senate in 1994 (that's why the quality kinda sucks). He was doing the "shaking hands in a diner" thing and, well, the dude is like Edward Cullen in that he hasn't changed at all over 2 decades. Here's the clip: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-december-1-2011/moment-of-zen---mitt-romney-s-1994-senate-campaign

"We the people on this farm" - This is when Mitt declased his candidacy for 2012. I'm too lazy to find the speech and the exact point when he says this. Google it, yo.

"Who let the dogs out Woof Woof!" - Not sure how this came to be but Mitt was literally surrounded by a bunch of cute kids who were mostly of African American descent. Okay, whatever. But then he busted out with the "Who let the dogs out Woof Woof" thing. It was like OKAAY WTF. And he also said to one of the kids who was wearing a necklace or something "OH LOOK AT THIS BLING BLING!" Just, amazing. Stunning. RADIO GOLD! Maybe he had his staff print up some market research on how to appeal to the urban community. IT'S THE M-I-DOUBLE-TIZZLE YA' ALL! Anyways, see it here: http://youtu.be/FDwwAaVmnf4?t=16s (BTW we don't play the "bling bling" comment cuz it was really windy that day, it was hard to understand him, he wasn't mic'd very well, and the quality just isn't up to par.)

"He is a snacker though, he has a weakness for snacks" - He was in a KFC (again, he's just one of us!) having lunch with a few staffers. Cameras and reporters were kept at a distance, but they were tossing him softball questions and whatever. Then some chick reporter started asking him about his diet, which led to Mitt insisting that he had pulled off the skin of the chicken before chowing down on it. It was really bizarre. Then one of his staffers blurted out "He is a snacker though, he's got a weakness for snacks." I believe this was on ABCNews.com. They're not very good at archiving 5 year old clips. So sorry, no link.

"Corn counts as an amber wave of grain, doesnt it?" - Mitt in Iowa, so he has to mention corn. I'm sure in Texas he'll mention barbecue! And in Chicago hot dogs with celery salt! Mentioning regional food = Pandering 101. See it here: http://youtu.be/Jhmwbw5wBLY?t=9m24s

Mitt to a mormon hater: "Oh can I shake your hand anyway?" Mormon hater: "No!" - This was when Mitt was campaigning for 2008. Not sure of exactly when or where this happened, but again, Mitt was doing the "shaking hands in a diner" thing. He walked up to some old coot, asked him how he was doing, and the dude was like "I'm one person who's not gonna vote for a mormon!!" Mitt, reacting in the same way he would have reacted if the dude had said "I love you and want to volunteer for you and donate to your campaign!", comes back with "Oh well can I shake your hand anyway?" to which the bitter old coot responded with a terse "NO!" I believe this was on CBSNews.com. So again, sorry there's no link.

Don't you hate spelling out your street when you give it to customer service?

You get a girlfriend and suddenly picnic baskets are a part of your life.

Dove makes soap and chocolate. SERIOUSLY WTF?

Why do we still study Greek mythology? It was fake back then, and it's still BS. It's like who continues to push this crap on us? THE GREEK AGENDA AND THEIR INDOCTRINATION OF OUR CHILDREN. I think we'll be okay If Thor 2 doesn't come out.

Do you (as a dude) ever look at pictures of your mom in college and think "Not bad?"

Don't you hate it when actors go on Leno or Letterman and they arrive at the point in the interview where they play a clip of the movie and Leno is like "So what's this clip about?" and the actor replies "I don't know." It's like they're all aloof and it's all just a complete coincidence that they just happen to be on a talk show broadcast to millions of people.

Voting in primaries is like seeing a band that hasn't made it yet. Call me when they have a hit single so I can show up to the last 5 minutes of their concert and watch them sing it.

How does Peter Pan have a peanut butter for some 40 years, yet he still hasn't made any other inroads into the grocery store?

All the shows on HGTV are like a million times better when they feature a gay male couple as the homeowners or potential homeowners.

Never pick your nose at work without a mirror.

These are the clips/ drops that Michaelangelo plays over and over that people always call in and ask me about.

4. L.A. City Council guy compares Arizona to Nazi Germany

"Nazi Germany"

It seems like only yesterday we were yelling and screaming about the Arizona anti-illegal immigration law. Or were we screaming about the Ground Zero Mosque. Or was it Obamacare. Nevertheless, everyone got all butthurt over the AZ law, and a bunch of cities aksed themselves "How can we symbolically show how mean Arizona is being to brown people without actually doing anything?" This lead to cities "boycotting" Arizona, saying they weren't gonna do any business with the cities in AZ or travel there or go to any conventions there or whatever and blah blah blah. So the mighty L.A. City Council met to bitch and whine about Arizona. I forget exactly what was being discussed (a dog and pony come to mind), but Godwin's Law took place, and one of the nasally challenged City Council members compared AZ's law to "NAZI GERMANY." Here's the video ("NAZI GERMANY" is at :39): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xevl9AcHDrg&feature=related

3. Angry chick voicemail

"Thanks for takin' my money, asshole!"
"Yeah I was just wondering if you enjoyed treating your customers like pieces of shit?!"
"Magnited states of America!"

This sassy lass comes to us from Austin TX. There's a movie theater (THEE-AY-TUR) there (Alamo Drafthouse) that has a zero tolerance policy for texting. You get caught texting during a movie, and yo ass is kicked to da curb. So this chick got caught texting, got kicked out, and then proceeded to call the Alamo Drafthouse and left them with a lovely voicemail expressing her displeasure to said movie theater. Well, I'm guessing they thought it was hilarious, so they posted the voicemail to their own YouTube account. Here's the full audio: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs

2. News anchor fight

"Night after night"
"Well you wanna work with shit"
"Good ol' Harold Greene"

There's only audio of this (video woulda been pricesless) and it's at least a few years old. This took place in the high pressure, high stakes broadcast news game that is Los Angeles. 2 news anchors, and man and a woman, started to get into it right when they were about to go on the air. The personal insults and cheap shots flew, and we're left with off the air deliciousness. Here's the full audio: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ib5zvlVc16A

1. College football coach goes off

"Fat!"

So some writer trashed an Oklahoma State football player in the newspaper. Well head coach Mike Gundy didn't take too kindly to the guy's criticism, and flipped the fuck out during a press conference. Here's the full video ("FAT!" is at 1:29) : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoMmbUmKN0E

If you guys have any questions about the wacky clips we play, let me know in the comments section. I'll research them for you (meaning I'll GOOGLE IT for you) and I'll do another post on your favorite A&G memes.

Yes, I'm a tough call screener. Sorry, but when I hear callers on other shows, THEY MAKE ME WANT TO JUMP OUT THE FREAKING WINDOW.

I'll listen to other talk shows, and inevitably during over 90% of the calls, I say to myself "I would have never put that muthaf*cka through."

These callers spout their mantras with clear agendas, and their boring, biased views, and dig holes that the host has to dig their show out of.

And the hosts suck too! Allowing their callers to drone on and on with their stupid opinions. Probably because there's nowhere to go with such moronic comments. But it's easy radio to let the caller talk and talk. I constantly yell at my radio, "OKAY NO ONE CARES NEXT CALLER!!"

If, as a caller, you're simply echoing the talking points of the right or the left, sorry, you don't get on. You're not interesting. You're boring.

Obama sucks? Okay great. Such a fascinating opinion you have ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

And it goes both ways. When Bush was prez people would call in and say, "Bush shouldn't even be the President since he stole the election." Okay, great. Let me transfer you to the nutjob line.

If you're going to discuss a decision Bush made or whatever, you have to at least start off on the same playing field, as in you both agree that he's legitimately the President.

I was listening to Rush a few weeks ago. One of his callers was whining about the presidential candidates, and then said "Rush you should be meeting with these candidates and vetting them and then tell us who to vote for."

I'm sorry but WTF IS RUSH SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT. "Sure I'll start meeting the candidates because some moron caller can't make up his own mind." I mean, seriously.

Worst of all, the call goes nowhere, and thus, the show goes nowhere. And lastly, the host has to recover from it.

Remember, this isn't an actual phone conversation. You're contributing to the content of a show that's trying to be entertaining and informative. So, you should probably try being at least one of those qualities.

My calls have a purpose.

When Jack was talking about Hoarders this morning, a guy saying he was an ex-social worker called in. I asked him right away "What's the weirdest, wackiest thing you've ever seen?" He mentioned the lady who peed and pooed on her couch. RADIO GOLD! I was like "Perfect, say that, that's good stuff." I put him right up. He got on, gave a little background, got right to the peeing and pooing, Jack and Joe reviled in disgust (all the while making poo and pee jokes), and all was right in A&G Land.

Here are some CALLER PRE-REQUISITES:

1. Call in while we are talking about the topic - I can't tell you how many calls I get that go "Yeah I was listening to the podcast from 3 weeks ago and my comment on red light cameras is..." Remember, it's talk radio. It's not who is factually correct that matters, it's who calls in first.

2. You must be alive and breathing - Sorry, Jack and Joe's policy.

3. You have to listen to all 4 hours of the show Mon-Fri - How did you think we get such big ratings?

4. You have to sound awake - It's a morning drive radio show, dude! You're gonna put my hosts and listeners to sleep! Wake yo azz up!

5. You have to be able to put 2 coherent sentences together - The old rule was 3 sentences, but, evidently, that was too much to ask for most callers.

6. You have to have fervor and conviction - Like people call in to play "devil's advocate." Well if you're in disagreement with Jack and Joe, they're gonna call you on it, ask you questions, and challenge you. And if you don't actually believe in what you're saying, then your response to their follow ups will be half-assed, and your call fails.

7. Think about what Jack and Joe's reaction will be to what you have to say. If it's an eyeroll, an "Oh gawd," or just dead silence, well, the show will crash into the ground. Imagine yourself as a great clip that my hosts can react to. Whether your comment leads to them joking or them being stunned or them learning something new, that's the good stuff. That's what we want, that's what we're looking for.

8. If youre quite lucid and rational in your thinking and you make too much sense - GO AWAY. THIS IS TALK RADIO. WE SPEAK IN HYPERBOLE, HOMEBOYEEeeEE!!

If you truly, truly, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, just ABSOLUTELY MUST GET ON THE AIR, then call during the following:

1. When we discuss abortion, gay marriage, gays in the military, creation vs evolution (aka intelligent design), or illegal immigration - Simply because there are no good calls on these topics. Everything that can be said has been said 9 billion times. I literally turn off the screening mechanism in my brain and put everyone who calls in up on these topics.

For instance, when Jack and Joe start talking about intelligent design, I literally can't even understand what callers' comments are. I can't even grasp what people are saying. I honestly can't comprehend the words coming out of your moufs. My mind turns off. I SO don't give a sh*t about these topics, that I can't even wrap my head around what people say when they call in. I wouldn't even know what a comment FOR or AGAINST intelligent design even is I so don't care about it. I just hear words and blathering. All I hear is "blah blah blah" and like I said, nothing remotely interesting can be said about these topics, so the result is you gets on da air. Pretty cool, huh?

Like for illegal immigration, we will inevitably get these calls:

"My mom came over here in the 40's and learned English." Okay, great. Fabulous.
"My Japanese wife has been trying for 8 years to come over here legally." You don't say.
"I'm in construction and I only make 10 cents an hour now." Well I'm sorry about that, but calling into a radio talk show about it will definitely change things. OH WAIT NO IT WON'T.
"Let's move Israel to the border." Sure. Let me get Benjy Netanyahu on the phone.
"Why don't we put troops on the border?" I don't know. Why don't we? How about you call your Congressman, and get back to me with their (what I'm sure will be) fascinating response.

2. Call during the last segment of the show - I'm pretty much in a coma at this point. I'll put anyone through.

3. Call during "Last Call" - Just please have a point. And don't call about something boring or dumb. I remember one dude was like "Hi'm Im staring at the wall" and I was like "Okay" and he goes "Well they said it's call about ANYTHING!" Oy vey I wanted to punch myself in the face while skydiving. I mean, if you can't get thru during Last Call, you need to go back to Talk Radio Caller Remedial School. Sorry, Talk Radio Caller Continuation School. Or call a talk show on the internet! Those are always funzies. And they're dying for callers, might I add.

4. Diagree with Jack and Joe - I'll even help you with your comment. Like people call in all pissed at Jack and/ or Joe and I've been like "Oh and don't forget about this and remember when they said that and be sure to mention this!!" because on-air fights with callers are funzies. But you can't just namecall because, again, the conversation goes nowhere. I remember one caller was like "Jack and Joe are idiots." And I was like "Okay cool. Be specific. Why are they idiots?" And he responded "Because they're idiots!" Wow. Way to support your thesis, sir.

5. Lie! Lie about who you are, what you do, what you've done, when you did it, where you did it, who you did it with, and what you think. LIE! It's talk radio, people! No one cares. It's not like I'm going to vet you with a background check. If someone calls in and says "I'm a doctor" I say "Okay, cool" then put them right up! Fibbing is fun!

Caller Dont's

1. Do not try and be funny - Look, the wacky story that kills every time you tell it to your family at Thanksgiving, I hate to say it- it isn't funny. Your family is just being nice. And if "you had to be there" well, this is a broadcast radio show, happening now, so it ain't funny.

2. Don't tell jokes - Text your bad jokes to Jack (text@agradioshow.com). He can read like 3 bad jokes in 10 seconds. If I put you on the air, your setup is going to take like 45 seconds, and your cell phone will cut out during the unfunny punchline.

3. Your kids aren't funny - "My kid said this about Obama" or "My kid said that about the government" - it's just not funny. It may be funny and adorable and super cute to you, but to anyone else, it's like "Uh-huh." I have nephews who are mad cute, but I'd never call into a talk show whatever wacky thing they said.

4. If your comment starts with "I have a point that hasn't been talked about yet" it's probably bcuz your point is stupid.

5. No rhetorical questions - They lead to dead air, boringness, and nowhere for my hosts to take the show.

6. You're the "Distraction" caller meaning your comment goes something like this: "Yeah, this Obama trip to Asia is just a DISTRACTION for (fill in the blank to whatever issue the caller thinks is super important.) Yeah, yeah. Everything is a distraction for everything else, sir.

So if you're a caller, just be yourself. You don't need to try to be edgy or controversial, like Petry from Vallejo tried to be. That dude used to call me 30 times a day whining about how I never put him through. Well, his comments sucked and they weren't genuine.

I think he listened to too much Michael Savage and eventually thought that any thought he had was compelling. Once he pleaded to me, "Just put me on with Jack and Joe, and we'll mix it up, and it will be controversial." Well since your comments are dumb, I doubt that will happen, Petry.

At one point Petry was like "Just tell me what you want to say on the air." I was like "Dude, it don't work like that."

Every once in a blue moon he had something good to say, and I'd put him up. When he stuck with the script and what he told me, his call went fine. But when he went with something he thought would be "CONTROVERSIAL" and what he deemed interesting, well, his call sucked, and Jack and Joe would (rightfully) hang up on him in 10 seconds. Then he'd call me to apologize and I'd be like "Told you not to say that shi*t."

I remember Jack specifically saying to Petry once "I wish Vince never put you through!" LOL. Damn that was funny.

If you call in and I don't put you through, I'm sorry. I'm doing what I think is best for the show. Listen to callers to other talk shows and compare them to our callers. I guarantee you my callers are relevant, topical, at least semi interesting or semi informative, they get to the point, don't hinder the flow of the show (too much), and most importantly, DRIVE THE SHOW FORWARD.

And if you don't get on, don't get all butthurt. Don't take it personally. I do this all day errday, yo. I know what I'm doing. Just trust me. If I tell you "Thanks for the call," please, just go back to enjoying the show. I just felt your call woulda gone nowhere, and Jack and Joe's reaction to it woulda been, well, nothing. Or mute. Then the show grinds to a halt. Then the incorrigibly precocious Phone Screener gets yelled at.

I remember trying to call in to John and Ken in the 90s. I forgot the exact topic, but one time I called and for some reason I wanted to compare 2pac's death to Kurt Cobain's death, and how the mainstream media virtually ignored 2pac's death, but fawned and grieved over Cobain's death. (Yes, I was a loser in high school. Now go away) Shockingly, I never got on. It sucked. But I still listen to them til this day.

I can't cater to your whims and needs and what you think it "important." Just because you think your comment is good enough for the show doesn't mean it is. Just because you call in doesn't automatically mean you get on the air. I'm trying to entertain my hosts and as many listeners as possible for as long as possible.

Think about it from our perspective. If you had a show and were discussing military tribunals or whatever and someone called in to bitch about the Federal Reserve, would YOU take that call?

I like to think of the show of a smart (or smart sounding at least) discussion of ideas. I mean, this ain't the hip-hop station where you do shout outs to your high school. We don't do "Battle of the Sexes" cliched tripe. Callers don't get on who just want to kiss Jack and Joe's asses and congratulate them on their views like on, you know, EVERY OTHER DAMN TALK RADIO SHOW.

Now I do make mistakes with callers. I have about 10 seconds to make a decision. Sometimes I'm like "Damn if I had thought about it for another 10 seconds, I would have let that dude through." Now, this doesn't happen very often. MAYBE once every few weeks. But that's live radio for ya. This happens in real-time, people! I have to be as fast and efficient as possible.

Sometimes people will call back after I've hung up on them and I'm like "I'm so glad you called back!" and I put them right up. Tee hee.

Like I said, if you don't get on, don't worry about it. We love you and appreciate you and value you as a listener. And don't let it discourage you from calling in ever again. There's this one dude who literally called hundreds of times without getting on. Nice guy. But literally zero charisma. He sounded bored. I got bored listening to him. And his comments suuuuuuucked. One topic he called in on was when Jack saw some kid at the Walmart with the "F" word on his t-shirt. So this dude called in and goes "Remember in Desert Strom the troops wrote "F" words on the missiles they were firing at Baghdad." I wanted to smash my freaking head into the computer monitor. I was like "YEAH AND? WHO THE HELL CARES, DUDE?!?" I put it much more mild and nicer than that (No I didn't). But seriously that's like the furthest from relevant a comment can get. Jack and Joe would have been left in utter speechlessness at how dumb and pointless that comment was. But, after hundreds of similarly crappy calls where I wanted to jump through the roof, eventually he had a good, relevant point. I put him right through. I harbored no ill will.

Oh and if you need our mailing address, don't call me.. GOOGLE IT, PEOPLE!

A few weeks ago I wrote about something I got in the mail offering a free cell phone courtesy of the state of CA. Well I got the same thing in the mail again with one slight different. I'll give you 3 guesses.

"Has the program been discontinued?" Lol seriously what planet are you from?

"Did they make it so that you don't have to first be on some sort of state assistance already before being qualified to get the phone?" You're funny. Seriously stop trying to be cute.

"Do they make the poor sign a 2 year contract to get the phone?" Well that would just be cruel. Funny, but cruel. AND A LITTLE TOO ANALOGOUS TO WHAT WE WORKING PEOPLE DO TO GET A DAMN PHONE.

***TANGENT: The cell phone carriers say they chain us to 2 year contracts to subsidize the cost of the phone up front, so that we can get a cheaper phone. Okay that's all fine and good BUT AFTER 2 YEARS SHOULDN'T THE DAMN SUBSIDY BE PAID OFF?!?! The answer is yes, and our monthly bill should go down accordingly. But does that ever happen? Oh hell nah.***

So here it is: NOW YOU GET A BETTER PHONE.

As I pointed out in my previous op-ed, the phone pictured looked like a Sony Ericsson. It actually looks like the W580i. I owned this freaking phone a few years ago! (BTW great battery life).

This new phone is a Samsung. Samsung is arguably one of the hottest phone manufacturers right now. Sony Ericsson barely exists.

So instead of giving out maybe a dated, older phone model, hey here's a sweet little Samsung.

And oh look it has a Facebook app. (Someone should tell the government that the poor are still on MySpace.)

And it has a YouTube app. Well how else are you going to watch all your friends in those teen flash mob videos where a whole buttload of youths bum rush a store, overwhelm the clerk, and steal all sorts of shi*t?

So there you have it, folks. While you're dishing out about $100 a month for a smartphone, the government is handing out nice Samsung cellys FO FREE. Youz a sucka!